Isn’t Ethan Cute?
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Saturday, April 24, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
What happens now...
Writing, the simple act of taking my laptop out on the town or, travelling, always with a pen and a notebook, has often been my refuge.
Words arrive in my head and stay with me like mosaic tiles, shining in their individuality and waiting to be part of a whole, on numerous occasions I have carried sentence fragments in my head or on the tip of my tongue for years, before knowing where the "whole" is that they fit into.
I have written in bars and on transatlantic flights, written on all manner of public transport all over the world...
So, here's the question- Why then, when I have the time and the space and the emotional support to tell my stories, to play with words in a way that I don't often have in my life and which may in fact be fleeting, do I have such a hard time actually making the time to write?
It is not writers block, it isn't fear.
It is a and expectation I have of myself, a series of would haves and should haves that of course I would love to be immune to but, again of course, am not.
So my words chase their own tales and wait.
I suppose I wait too.
I wait for daily inspiration.
I wait until I can hear the voice in my head that says, "forget that you didn't write yesterday, forget what could have been. Think about what is and where you are..." and believe it. Or at least listen.
I am listening today.
I will start with this blank slate, here...
What happens now is anyone's guess.
Words arrive in my head and stay with me like mosaic tiles, shining in their individuality and waiting to be part of a whole, on numerous occasions I have carried sentence fragments in my head or on the tip of my tongue for years, before knowing where the "whole" is that they fit into.
I have written in bars and on transatlantic flights, written on all manner of public transport all over the world...
So, here's the question- Why then, when I have the time and the space and the emotional support to tell my stories, to play with words in a way that I don't often have in my life and which may in fact be fleeting, do I have such a hard time actually making the time to write?
It is not writers block, it isn't fear.
It is a and expectation I have of myself, a series of would haves and should haves that of course I would love to be immune to but, again of course, am not.
So my words chase their own tales and wait.
I suppose I wait too.
I wait for daily inspiration.
I wait until I can hear the voice in my head that says, "forget that you didn't write yesterday, forget what could have been. Think about what is and where you are..." and believe it. Or at least listen.
I am listening today.
I will start with this blank slate, here...
What happens now is anyone's guess.
Monday, April 12, 2010
3:33
Sometimes, I have the most clarity during this amber, pink hued space between falling asleep and being awake. Sometimes not. This is the time when the grammar and the pretense of knowing what I'm doing fall away. I live with that.
I once had an acupuncturist tell me that your liver replenishes itself between 2 and 4 in the morning, that in chinese medicine your liver is the place of transition and process and pulling yourself back into the circle of being that is you.
It follows then that those of us often awake during these are working towards something, working something out, engaging in some kind of personal process or praxis- moving always forward into tomorrow.
Certainly this has been, and continues to be a time of deep transition in my life and the lives of those I love vehemently enough to call family. This is not a negative, it just is.
There is a sort of undulating mantra of my own making, I return to again and again, it always goes something like this: This is what I know- I know that I am loved and that those I love know it, everyday. I know beyond the trappings of Western constructs, beyond the idea(l) of productivity that I am worth it and that knowing who you are and what you believe is not an end point, it is a state of being, of endless circular, self-perpetuating movement and a practice of acceptance. It is something I, and I believe most of us cannot endeavor to tackle alone, who are we anyway, without the people that matter to us?
I could list again the many tangible ways in which the past year or so have been about completion, transition, adjustment, the pursuit of love... But we know that already.
Right now, I am choosing just to accept the process and to continue living in all of those moments, whatever and whomever they bring me, whatever and whomever I find in myself.
I will continue to know that I am complete, that I am here and that there will never be a point when I arrive at a finite destination, a place of "doneness" where I have nothing left to learn, nothing left to want, no more love to give to myself, no more love to give anyone else- no, those feelings will only continue to grow exponentially.
I will continue to love those I love with fervor, with my whole self. I will endeavor everyday to embrace the process, to grow more and give more and be.
I once had an acupuncturist tell me that your liver replenishes itself between 2 and 4 in the morning, that in chinese medicine your liver is the place of transition and process and pulling yourself back into the circle of being that is you.
It follows then that those of us often awake during these are working towards something, working something out, engaging in some kind of personal process or praxis- moving always forward into tomorrow.
Certainly this has been, and continues to be a time of deep transition in my life and the lives of those I love vehemently enough to call family. This is not a negative, it just is.
There is a sort of undulating mantra of my own making, I return to again and again, it always goes something like this: This is what I know- I know that I am loved and that those I love know it, everyday. I know beyond the trappings of Western constructs, beyond the idea(l) of productivity that I am worth it and that knowing who you are and what you believe is not an end point, it is a state of being, of endless circular, self-perpetuating movement and a practice of acceptance. It is something I, and I believe most of us cannot endeavor to tackle alone, who are we anyway, without the people that matter to us?
I could list again the many tangible ways in which the past year or so have been about completion, transition, adjustment, the pursuit of love... But we know that already.
Right now, I am choosing just to accept the process and to continue living in all of those moments, whatever and whomever they bring me, whatever and whomever I find in myself.
I will continue to know that I am complete, that I am here and that there will never be a point when I arrive at a finite destination, a place of "doneness" where I have nothing left to learn, nothing left to want, no more love to give to myself, no more love to give anyone else- no, those feelings will only continue to grow exponentially.
I will continue to love those I love with fervor, with my whole self. I will endeavor everyday to embrace the process, to grow more and give more and be.
Monday, March 22, 2010
January-March with Ethan, Jeff and me...Ohio, Las Vegas
Jeff and I have just spent a fabulous weekend together. I never imagined that I would be so much more in love everyday.
We are settling into the new house and our new lives together, swimmingly! Here are some photos from our most recent visits with Ethan who we talk to regularly and will see again in June and hopefully more, and more regularly after that.
Ethan and I at The Boonshoft Discovery Museum in Dayton, Ohio
Ethan and I with a bag o' Passover plague masks, courtesy of Mom, in Las Vegas!
Bowling with Ethan the astronaut in Las Vegas!Ethan the astronaut works it out!
Ethan at his first Vegas buffet, yes- he fully enjoyed dessert!
Ethan and I watching dolphins and hanging out in the sun in Vegas.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Vegas, Baby!
We spent very little time on the strip, except for a quick trip to Circus Circus where Ethan won a full animal managerie that is keeping the Cowie (Ethan has a thing for cows and Cowie is his best and softest friend!) that lives at our house company! We also dined at The Rainforest Cafe and enjoyed seeing lots of big cats and dolphins at Siegfried and Roy's Secret Garden and at The MGM hotel!
But really, the highlight's were, Ethan and I building a rocket ship out of the box that the motorcycle that Jeff's mom bought him came in, while the battery charged, (for 18 hours!)! The rocket ship had a pointy, very rocket like top and flames at the bottom that Ethan added. It also had a door with a handle. Jeff and Ethan decorated the rocket ship with glitter because, in Ethan's words, "It's a rocket, we need it to have BILLIONS of glitter!"
Jeff and I also took him to a wonderful park with tons of climbing walls, slides and various types of swings. We all had a great time playing in the desert sun!
Later that day we took Ethan bumper bowling! We all had a great time bowling, wearing funny shoes and dancing! It is important to mention that Ethan spent the ENTIRE weekend in his new astronaut suit, also courtesy of Grandi, Jeff's mom! So, the bowling, dancing , climbing, sliding, dolphin and lion spotting astronaut got lots of attention!
Jeff, Grandi and I took Ethan to his first Vegas buffet for dinner on Friday night. Ethan ate lots of mac and cheese, corn, broccoli and pizza and then really enjoyed eating/playing/creating with lots of dessert items; While making a chocolate ice cream, cherry, M&M soup composition Ethan said, "Look, I'm flattening it, I'm a flatterer!" Hilarious!
On Saturday morning Jeff started a game with Ethan where Ethan kept making Jeff uncover him and them hug and tickle him and then do it again! When Jeff went to take a shower, I continued the "blanket mountain game"- only this time there were lots of mysterious animals under the blanket and I had to guess which ones they were and then tickle them! I have now tickled a marmoset, an ocelot, a lion and a three toed sloth, among other animals!
At one point Ethan told me he was going to go see what Grandi and Gramples (Ethan's name for Jeff's stepfather) were doing. He started to make his way down the hallway and then quickly turned around and came back to peek around the corner at me saying, "...but I love you!" Precious!
Ethan loved it when we went to see a magic show and Jeff and I ended up getting "volunteered" to go onstage and take part in a card trick! I could hear him from the audience saying "That's my daddy and my 'Viva!"
When we were getting ready to take Ethan back to the hotel where Ethan's Mother and Grandmother were staying, in preparation for a very early Sunday morning flight back to Ohio, Andi, Jeff's Mom said, we have to take you back to Mommy now, Ethan(who was melting down from tiredness and the upcoming transition, at this point) said, "Which one?"
Andi, laughing asked, "How many Mommies do you have?" Ethan's response was wonderful, with a huge smile on his face he said, "One and one 'Viva!"
So wonderful that Ethan is getting a sense of his place in his Portland and Las Vegas based family.
It was wonderful to see Ethan and of course it made us look forward to the next time!
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
New life beginning...
This is a short post as I have tons to do today! Most importantly, I am trotting my tush (beguiling though shrinking as it may be, to date, I've lost 43 or so pounds since the beginning of October! Hooray for swimming and working out and being happy!) down to the local Social Security office to show them our certified marriage certificate so I can now do everything official, like file taxes,etc. under my new name!
Jeff and I are so happy in our new house and in our new neighborhood!
Last night, because it was my brother's birthday and, just because we could, we went to The Goodfoot for their regular Monday night open mic. It was so wonderful to realize that we could do that and still be home at a reasonable hour. Needless, we love our new neighborhood, our new life and all of the doors that being married, out of Beaverton, not tied to Jeff's former marriage in any way, living in our wonderful house that needs work (so we get to live in it as it takes shape, just like us and our lives) are bringing to us! A common refrain in our house between Jeff and I is, "I love you more everyday"! I am so happy we are now in a position to share that love with all of our friends and family and with Ethan, especially, who we get to see in Las Vegas in just over a week!
Jeff and I are so happy in our new house and in our new neighborhood!
Last night, because it was my brother's birthday and, just because we could, we went to The Goodfoot for their regular Monday night open mic. It was so wonderful to realize that we could do that and still be home at a reasonable hour. Needless, we love our new neighborhood, our new life and all of the doors that being married, out of Beaverton, not tied to Jeff's former marriage in any way, living in our wonderful house that needs work (so we get to live in it as it takes shape, just like us and our lives) are bringing to us! A common refrain in our house between Jeff and I is, "I love you more everyday"! I am so happy we are now in a position to share that love with all of our friends and family and with Ethan, especially, who we get to see in Las Vegas in just over a week!
Friday, February 19, 2010
Milestones
19 February, 2010. It's a big day. As of today, Jeff and I have been married two months and we have lived in our new home exactly one week! The combination of those two events, the commemoration of our marriage and the one week anniversary of our residence in our new home, thrills me and yet doesn't surprise me at all!
We are starting to feel at home in our new house and, have always felt at home, at peace, excited about and, completely secure in our unity as a couple.
It is a welcome surprise to find ourselves having escaped Beaverton unscathed and completely in love with each other and our new/old lives in inner South East Portland.
To paraphrase a good friend of ours, " It is so nice to be in a home that reflects us and a neighborhood in which we feel like we can breathe and grow and become ourselves, as a couple and as individuals, as a family... Death to the liminality of our life in Beaverton!"
Absolutely! We are so happy to be starting anew, finally! I don't think it has really hit us how lucky we are to be in living in the area we are in, no more then 3 minutes by car to just about anywhere we would want to be and within very easy walking/public transit access to the entire Portland universe.
The joy and the novelty of walking to pick up good chinese food (an 11 minute door to door round trip, including payment and pick up!) on Wednesday after work, was not lost on either Jeff or I! It's the little things sometimes!
Sure, we still have a basement full of boxes to deal with and sometimes have trouble remembering where we put the bowls, etc... but we are home and we are together and that means more to me and to Jeff then I think either of us could have anticipated.
For Jeff, living in a house built in 1920 is a big transition but, I think, a welcome one- for me, it feels like coming home. And even though I know a 90 year old house is only old in the North American sense, it feel familiar to me and I am glad to be able to ease Jeff into living in a house that has a soul and a positive history rather then ghosts of past residents and relationships and a negative history, a feeling that hung over us for the entire time that we "lived" in Jeff's old house in Beaverton.
Such a wonderful feeling to wake up everyday and be happy, not naive, not unaware that life and, love and being in a family and, a community takes daily work and commitment but, we are so happy to finally be here. We love our little bungalow and can't wait for Ethan to come stay with us and, for friends and family to come enjoy our new home with us. We have truly arrived! I will try to post pictures soon. Also, I sent out an email with our new contact info to most of you but, for those of you who were not on that list, feel free to email me at: aviva@eberlin.net for our street address, phone number(s), etc...
Love, Light, and (a rare moment) of Portland early Spring sunshine to you all! I've just written this whole blog soaking up vitamin D while basking in the sun on our front porch, as Flynn kitty looks on from behind the screen door- a new favorite occupation of his.
Be well, all!
We are starting to feel at home in our new house and, have always felt at home, at peace, excited about and, completely secure in our unity as a couple.
It is a welcome surprise to find ourselves having escaped Beaverton unscathed and completely in love with each other and our new/old lives in inner South East Portland.
To paraphrase a good friend of ours, " It is so nice to be in a home that reflects us and a neighborhood in which we feel like we can breathe and grow and become ourselves, as a couple and as individuals, as a family... Death to the liminality of our life in Beaverton!"
Absolutely! We are so happy to be starting anew, finally! I don't think it has really hit us how lucky we are to be in living in the area we are in, no more then 3 minutes by car to just about anywhere we would want to be and within very easy walking/public transit access to the entire Portland universe.
The joy and the novelty of walking to pick up good chinese food (an 11 minute door to door round trip, including payment and pick up!) on Wednesday after work, was not lost on either Jeff or I! It's the little things sometimes!
Sure, we still have a basement full of boxes to deal with and sometimes have trouble remembering where we put the bowls, etc... but we are home and we are together and that means more to me and to Jeff then I think either of us could have anticipated.
For Jeff, living in a house built in 1920 is a big transition but, I think, a welcome one- for me, it feels like coming home. And even though I know a 90 year old house is only old in the North American sense, it feel familiar to me and I am glad to be able to ease Jeff into living in a house that has a soul and a positive history rather then ghosts of past residents and relationships and a negative history, a feeling that hung over us for the entire time that we "lived" in Jeff's old house in Beaverton.
Such a wonderful feeling to wake up everyday and be happy, not naive, not unaware that life and, love and being in a family and, a community takes daily work and commitment but, we are so happy to finally be here. We love our little bungalow and can't wait for Ethan to come stay with us and, for friends and family to come enjoy our new home with us. We have truly arrived! I will try to post pictures soon. Also, I sent out an email with our new contact info to most of you but, for those of you who were not on that list, feel free to email me at: aviva@eberlin.net for our street address, phone number(s), etc...
Love, Light, and (a rare moment) of Portland early Spring sunshine to you all! I've just written this whole blog soaking up vitamin D while basking in the sun on our front porch, as Flynn kitty looks on from behind the screen door- a new favorite occupation of his.
Be well, all!
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